1 Sentence & 1 Stat to Describe Each NBA Team
The season is almost halfway done. Let's make our rounds.
We’re just about halfway through the NBA regular season so it’s time for a quick league-wide check-in. Emphasis on quick. One sentence and one stat to tell the story of all 30 teams. No time to waste. Off we go!
Boston Celtics (30-9)
Sentence: If a fully upgraded Plasma Cutter from Dead Space was a basketball team it’d be the Boston Celtics.
Stat: Boston has won more games by 10+ points than 13 teams have won total.
Minnesota Timberwolves (27-11)
Sentence: The Wolves have turned into everything we thought they could be and watching them play brings me immense joy.
Stat: Anthony Edwards has raised his points per game and assists per game and 3PT% every season he’s been in the league. He keeps getting better and I think his ceiling is MVP.
Oklahoma City Thunder (27-11)
Sentence: I don’t think OKC will win the championship this season but the fact that I have to type that sentence means things are going really fucking well in Oklahoma.
Stat: Two NBA players own a BLK% of 4.0 or higher while logging at least 1000 minutes this season: Brook Lopez and Chet Holmgren.
Milwaukee Bucks (27-12)
Sentence: This team doesn’t defend or rebound yet keeps winning and I’m not sure if that makes me more or less confident in their championship prospects.
Stat: Giannis Antetokounmpo is shooting a career-high FG% (61%) and scoring a career-best 130.8 points per 100 shot attempts (that’s really good.)
Denver Nuggets (27-13)
Sentence: Denver isn’t dominating but if you put a gun to my head right now (I’d prefer you didn’t) I’m still picking them to make the Finals.
Stat: Michael Porter Jr. is having the worst three-point shooting season of his career at 39.4%. The worst! At over 39%!
Los Angeles Clippers (25-13)
Sentence: Hopefully everybody got their jokes off when this team was bad because they’ve lost three games since November.
Stat: …they’ve lost three games since November. Literally. 17-3 since November 30th.
Philadelphia 76ers (24-13)
Sentence: Things have gotten a little rocky this month without Embiid and I’m getting scared y’all I can’t help it I’m scared it’s gonna be like all the other years.
Stat: Tyrese Maxey has turned the ball over 58 times total this season. Nearly unprecedented ball protection.
Indiana Pacers (23-15)
Sentence: 9-1 in their last 10 and I haven’t heard as much as a peep about it.
Stat: Bennedict Mathurin is up to 38.1% from 3PT this season and is playing his best ball during the Pacers recent hot streak.
Sacramento Kings (23-15)
Sentence: Every time I think the Kings are settling into a groove they lose to the Pelicans by 90.
Stat: 60% of Sacramento’s games have been decided by 10 or more points (they’re 12-11 in them) can you guys please decide if you want to be good or not.
New Orleans Pelicans (24-16)
Sentence: This team has some incredible highs (beaten Mavs Kings Wolves and Warriors in past few weeks) and a slightly more aggressive Zion could start some real conversations about what it can achieve.
Stat: New Orleans is seventh in net rating this season and second over the past 15 games. This is a genuinely good team on both ends that just needs more consistency from its stars.
Cleveland Cavaliers (22-15)
Sentence: In the end I will feel foolish for thinking this team is still a championship contender but I can’t help myself.
Stat: Jarrett Allen averaged 19 points 13.7 rebounds 4.5 assists and 2.3 STOCKS over his past 10 games.
New York Knicks (23-16)
Sentence: The OG Anunoby trade is going unbelievably well and Jalen Brunson has to be an All-Star this year.
Stat: Since the Anunoby trade on December 30th New York is second in defensive rating (107.9) and the number is only that high because of one game where it gave up 128 to Dallas.
Miami Heat (22-16)
Sentence: These fuckers will never die man I don’t understand it.
Stat: Duncan Robinson’s AST% is almost double (16.0) what it had been in his career to this point. Miami just molds players into whatever is needed.
Dallas Mavericks (23-17)
Sentence: I have no idea why Luka is being excluded from MVP discussions.
Stat: Dallas is the #1 least walkable US city I have ever visited.
Orlando Magic (21-18)
Sentence: Stumbling a bit recently but I still believe they will be on par with Oklahoma City in coming years.
Stat: Only 42% of Paolo Banchero’s baskets are assisted which is a great sign for his ability to create but Orlando needs a passer to get him some easier looks.
Phoenix Suns (20-18)
Sentence: I know they’ll “get better” but what’s the ceiling even when they do?
Stat: Point Book is still real; Devin Booker is averaging 7.7 assists per game this season.
Utah Jazz (21-20)
Sentence: The Jazz have quickly become my favorite team to watch and the only downside to their success is that all Jazz fans are really happy too.
Stat: Kelly Olynyk is averaging a career-high 4.5 assists per game and you can tell. The man is sizzling. Video is unrelated just entertaining:
Houston Rockets (19-19)
Sentence: This team is going to be the most annoying eight-seed in the playoffs.
Stat: Jalen Green is shooting 40.0% from the field and I don’t think I can do this anymore.
Los Angeles Lakers (19-21)
Sentence: We were all fooled by that Western Conference Finals run last season right?
Stat: LA’s offense is ranked 25th over the past 15 games. Worse than San Antonio.
Chicago Bulls (19-22)
Sentence: Coby White has been magnificent but you can’t be under .500 when you’re in “win-now” mode.
Stat: Uh they’re the slowest-paced team in the NBA (96.71 possessions) I’m sorry there is simply nothing interesting about this team.
Golden State Warriors (18-21)
Sentence: The Warriors’ death wasn’t actually that exciting in the end.
Stat: Draymond Green has been suspended more games than he’s made three pointers this year.
Brooklyn Nets (16-22)
Sentence: Lots of pretty good players don’t a pretty good team make.
Stat: Cam Thomas is in the 0th percentile of AST:USG ratio and very last in the NBA in that category among players with a usage rate of over 20%.
Atlanta Hawks (15-22)
Sentence: Everyone is asked to do more than they’re capable of and it’s leading to a sort of mushy nothingness.
Stat: 8.6 minutes per game for AJ Griffin... why?
Toronto Raptors (15-24)
Sentence: I love the RJ Barrett and Immanuel Quickley trade because why the hell not?
Stat: Quickley never played over 30 minutes a game with the Knicks and he’s immediately averaging 30 MPG in Toronto.
Memphis Grizzlies (14-25)
Sentence: Things are gonna get ugly without Ja but Vince Williams Jr (our guy) will make it all worth it.
Stat: GG Jackson is the youngest player in the NBA and scored a career-high 20 points on Saturday. That could be interesting!
Portland Trail Blazers (10-28)
Sentence: I became a Blazers fan this season knowing what I was getting myself into and I’m still not having a great time.
Stat: Portland has lost its last three games by 112 points and I’m not sure if that’s a record but it’s gotta be pretty damn close.
Charlotte Hornets (8-28)
Sentence: Maybe God is real after all because this franchise deserves all the horrible things that happen to it but I do feel sad for all my brave friends who are still supporters.
Stat: The Hornets have won three total playoff games since the US invaded Iraq.
Washington Wizards (7-31)
Sentence: I’m not going to pretend like I’ve watched more than five Wizards games this season.
Stat: Jordan Poole has a true shooting percentage of 52.9. Bad!
San Antonio Spurs (7-31)
Sentence: Victor Wembanyama is as good as advertised but it’s fair to have questions about this team’s future outside of him.
Stat: All of Wemby’s stats are outrageous and I think his AST% (17.2 on a team with pretty awful offensive weapons) gets lost in the shuffle a bit. He is truly different.
Detroit Pistons (REDACTED)
Sentence: Top five worst NBA team I’ve ever seen in my life.
Stat: No thanks.
Do the fucking Pistons stat!!!!!!!!!