Press Break: The Official 2023-24 TBP "Guys" Roster
These guys right here are guys who are my kinda guys right here
We’re here with a special Tuesday edition of Press Break because yesterday was some guy’s birthday so no work was allowed just eggnog drinking (never actually tried it) and Reese’s Christmas Trees eating (tried it many many times.) I hope you had a splendid Christmas.
We all have Our Guys which more specifically means NBA players who fill us with Maire Kondo levels of joy when we watch them even if they’re not superstars. They also can be superstars if we want. No nitpicking allowed when we’re talking about Our Guys. They’re Our Guys and no one else’s. That’s the point of having Guys.
The requirements for everyone’s Guys are different. Personally I like my Guys to be weirdos like guys who excel at everything but shoot 36% from the field or run with their back super straight so it looks like they’re a character in NBA Live 01 or have a signature move that no one knows is a signature move because no one’s gameplanning around them.
Shabazz Muhammad was one of My Guys for about four seasons even though he doesn’t really fit in those categories. I just liked him a lot. Second time I’ve mentioned Shabazz Muhammad in TBP. That’s probably too many mentions of Shabazz Muhammad in 2023. And yet I will not stop and you can’t make me. Shabazz Muhammad. Shabazz Muhammad.
Anyway here’s the 2023-24 TBP “Guys” roster.
Point Guard: Craig Porter Jr, Cleveland Cavaliers
If you’re surprised then you must be new here. And that’s fine! Welcome aboard we’re glad to have you😁.
A few weeks ago I fell to my knees in a Walmart when I envisioned Cavs undrafted rookie Craig Porter Jr not receiving consistent minutes even though he looked great to start his career— not just great for an undrafted rookie either because Craig was providing legitimately helpful minutes for a solid Cavs team (12.8 PPG in games he played more than 15 minutes). But Cavs coach JB Bickerstaff straight up did not care about my strife and Craig continued to ride the bench logging DNP-CD’s on a nightly basis.
But now thanks unfortunately to both Donovan Mitchell and Darius Garland being hurt the starting PG for the TBP Guys is also the starting point guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers. 10.6 points 8.3 assists 1.3 blocks 43.3% from the field for CPeezy in his three starts including 19/7/8/1/1 on Saturday.
Craig might not have enough games under his belt to claim a signature move yet but based purely on the eye test he spins a lot more than an average NBA player. Dude is just out there spinning around like a damn top and not always for the sake of creating space either I think he just really likes to spin. So maybe a nice fun spin is the CPJ signature.
Why He’s One of My Guys: CPJ is slow and small and doesn’t have a reliable outside shot and I’ve never heard him speak and he’s somehow become a pretty important piece of Cleveland’s future if JB Bickerstaff ever frees him from the dregs of benchwarmerdom.
Shooting Guard: Jordan Goodwin, Phoenix Suns
Goodwin has a career true shooting percentage of 50.9 and I’d still want him on my team every day of the damn year because he does things like this:
and this:
Point God MY ASS not when J-Goody (fake nickname) is lurking.
Goodwin was such an afterthought in the Bradley Beal / Chris Paul trade from this summer that his name wasn’t mentioned until the seventh paragraph in Washington’s press release about the deal. But now we’re past Christmas and Goodwin might realistically be Phoenix’s most important bench player going forward considering no one else can really handle the ball.
Why He’s One of My Guys: Goodwin is always posting statlines like “3 points 5 rebounds 6 assists 1 steal 1 block 1/4 FG 1/1 3PT” and I admire a guy whose raw stats are extremely uninspiring and can’t really shoot at all but still finds ways to contribute.
Small Forward: Toumani Camara, Portland Trail Blazers
Toumaniacs rise. I think about 70% of my subscribers are Blazers fans so I need not tell you about how good Toumani Camara is but I’m going to anyway because if I were a betting man (what’s so funny) I’d bet that he’s on a lot of your “My Guys” rosters too and I love reading about My Guys so I assume you do also so here we go.
To the general public (bunch of dummies right) Toumani (the 52nd pick in this year’s draft) probably appeared to be a throw-in to the Dame trade much like Jordan Goodwin was to the Beal trade but a bunch of reports said that Phoenix didn’t want to part with Toumani in that trade and now we understand why. He rules. He’s already a genuinely high-level defender who routinely guards All-Star caliber wings and takes pride in doing so and busts his ass 100% of the time. That hustle doesn’t always lead to a basket or a steal:
but sometimes it does:
And even when it doesn’t directly lead to a positive outcome it indirectly leads to more effort from the rest of the team because tone-setters are extremely important in the NBA (cliche sorry) and Toumani consistently sets a tone for the Blazers even if they lose a lot (they compete most games too so the tone is still pretty good).
Why He’s One of My Guys: Aside from everything I just said he’s also probably the least famous regular rotation player in the NBA and I like that. He played at Dayton which is a small school and now he plays in Portland which is a small market so he’s kind of a fun secret for us real Hoop Heads and Portlanders and Daytonites(?) to share. Do you think Kendrick Perkins has said the name Toumani Camara in his life because I certainly don’t.
Power Forward: Jabari Smith Jr, Houston Rockets
I stood on the “Jabari Smith Jr is still good” mountaintop all of last season but I’m going to be honest with you all (because I love you) and say that I was only 51% sure I believed it most of the time. But I am vindicated because Jabari Smith Jr is good. As a matter of fact Jabari Smith Jr is really good so I think I’m doubly vindicated.
He’s only averaging 1.2 points per game more than last season (14.0 from 12.8) but he’s shooting nine percent better from the floor (49.8 from 40.8) and eight percent better from three (38.7 from 30.7) and over nine percent better in true shooting (60.8 from 51.4) so basically he’s finally flashing the high-level shooting which helped him go number three overall in the first place.
He’s also getting really comfortable in the midrange (47% on all middies) which is a very nice development because he can just shoot over everyone when he gets there with that high-ass release plus he’s mobile enough and strong enough to actually get there in the first place.
Why He’s One of My Guys: Smith moves so fluidly out there kinda like a big snow leopard that I find myself tuning in to Rockets games just to watch him and Alperen Sengun play (I like the other guys like Tari Eason too don’t get me wrong). I also always cheer for 20 year-olds who get eviscerated by the public after poor rookie seasons because yeah no shit they sucked they’re starting a new job and everyone at that new job is about a thousand times better than everyone at their old job.
Center: Bismack Biyombo, Memphis Grizzlies
Always and forever. My old favorite team the Charlotte Hornets (dead to me) drafted Bismack over Kawhi Leonard and Klay Thompson in 2011 and if you asked 13 year-old me at the time I would have said hell yes that’s the right pick are you dense? Looking back I see that it’s a toss-up on what the right decision was but that’s as far as I’ll go.
Biz is quite literally the exact same player he was when he entered the league as a teenager and now he’s 31 and I’m just really happy he’s still around because he fucking rules and he speaks five languages and can’t catch a basketball but he’s averaged 1.1 blocks per game every season of his life (didn’t look it up but it feels right in my soul) and he will do that for eternity. I like that he’s an incredibly intelligent man because it makes his complete and utter inability to catch a basketball even more fascinating. You’d think after 13 years he would ah ya know what never mind.
Why He’s One of My Guys: The girls who get it get it… Bizzy forever.
Bench
Jalen Williams - being overshadowed by SGA and Chet but holy shit this guy is good
Trey Murphy - long arms good dunker incredible shooter is the most fun archetype
Skylar Mays - was nice when we interviewed him for Enjoy that’s good enough for me
Malik Monk - benched by coach in Charlotte out of spite for MJ honestly fair
Dennis Smith Jr - shoots about 8% but will clamp you I love a feisty PG who also dunks
Paul George - just cool as hell moves like a snake
Torrey Craig - CRAIGHEADS WE RISE
Vince Williams Jr - new addition to the roster I like the cut of his jib he busts his ass
Keegan Murray - two Kings ok sue me
Wouldn’t have asked for PG13 in that fantasy trade if I knew he was a my guy. Apologies
Funny and sweet