New Year's Resolutions for All 30 NBA Teams
My personal resolution? Work out less and eat worse
Well… I was half hoping that after 2024 we’d collectively call it quits. No more years. Two thousand and twenty-four of them was enough. Unfortunately, it does appear that 2025 will happen regardless, so we might as well watch some basketball before we’re vaporized by a global catastrophe beyond our comprehension. Subscribe to The Broken Press while you’re at it.
Atlanta Hawks: Prioritize Personal Growth
Atlanta is headed in the right direction. I like Jalen Johnson, I like Dyson Daniels, I will eventually like Zaccharie Risacher. This team is not good (16th in offense, 17th in defense) but they win games and that’s always a good sign the ship is sailing in the right direction — a direction this team has been without for years. Patience and growth are vital in 2025. Remain steady, Atlanta. Progress at your own pace. Comparison is the Great Barrier Thief of joy.
Boston Celtics: Don’t Let Them Change You
By them I mean me… you… all of us. It’s easy to be lured toward the new guys — OKC, Cleveland, Memphis, Houston — and brush off the Celtics because they’re not as fun (can’t lie, I wrote some Are we sure Boston is still the favorite words the other day) but the C’s are still No. 3 in NET, have the third best record in the league, and we know they can finish the job. Don’t listen to us, Boston. Find peace in 2025. (I hope you lose.)
Brooklyn Nets: Set Big Goals
This is less a 2025 resolution and more of a 2027 resolution made in 2025… does that make sense? Is that allowed?
Brooklyn’s 2025 is going to start off rough (lots of losing) and then maybe get really, really fun (picking Cooper Flagg or Dylan Harper in the draft.) But picking a star in the Draft would be the start of a rebuild, not the end. Currently, this team is in pre-rebuild phase. Keeping sight of the big picture will bode well for Brooklyn in 2025 — and beyond.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Be Ready for Adversity
Being 29-4 is fun as hell. I’m not even a Cavs fan, yet I’m giddy to watch this team massacre opponents every day. They have a clutch time net rating of 51.0 (lol) and the best offense in basketball, plus a joyful and endless cast of contributors who all make positive impacts.
I’m the opposite of a Cavs hater — I’ve been writing about why they should keep this group together for the past two years — but I’m also a realist. Sort of. Maybe I’m not, actually— but I’m a basketball realist. And despite being on a 72-win pace, I don’t think Cleveland is going to challenge for the best record in NBA history. Losses will come. Being prepared for those losses and brushing them off then moving on should be Cleveland’s focus in 2025. Stay grounded.
Charlotte Hornets: Do Some Soul Searching
No one deserves failure more than the Charlotte Hornets, a franchise that tried to sweep Miles Bridges’ repulsive acts of domestic violence under the rug for long enough in hopes we’d all forget about them. We didn’t forget! And Miles Bridges sucks now! Bums! Tear the whole thing down.
Every decision-maker in this franchise needs to look inward. Michael Jordan sold the team, but the new regime seems to have inherited the same morals that MJ operated with during his tenure — no morals whatsoever.
Chicago Bulls: Have a Growth Mindset
This resolution is for Chicago’s front office, not necessarily the team. Let’s try being flexible in 2025, okay? Exploring new experiences — like, I don’t know, maybe a trade or two — could lead to exciting results!
Dallas Mavericks: Build On a Great 2024
I thought the Mavericks would lose to the Clippers in the first round last year. They didn’t. Then, I thought they’d lose to the Thunder in the second round. No. Then, I thought they’d lose to the Wolves in the WCF. Incorrect. Then, I was sure they’d lose to Boston in the NBA Finals — which they did. My basketball knowledge is vast.
After overachieving in 2024, Dallas doubled down and made some of my favorite offseason additions, including Quentin Grimes who’s been awesome… because he is awesome. So 2004-coded (in a good way).
This season has started as a good follow-up to that run. Dallas is 20-13, getting there with a few scorching stretches and a few underwhelming stretches. Luka will miss at least most of January, so staying above water will be the theme to kick off 2025 — following up a better-than-expected 2024 will be the goal for the year at large.
Detroit Pistons: Live in the Moment
Don’t take anything for granted, Pistons. You’re in that sweet spot of a rebuild where the burden of expectation has yet to befall you and every win is worthy of celebration—even competitive losses are productive.
At 14-18, the Pistons are nearly halfway to their win total from the past two years combined. A drastic improvement led by POTENTIAL ALL-STAR Cade Cunningham, who will never be an efficient scorer and I officially don’t give a shit anymore.
These Pistons are cool — be present! Enjoy things like a Cade triple-double at MSG.
UPDATE: Jaden Ivey broken leg. Disregard everything. Let the dread overtake you.
Denver Nuggets: Smile More :)
Denver is fifth in the West right now (18-13) and has the best player in the world — but if you talk to a Nuggets fan, you’ll be convinced they’re cheering for the Washington Wizards.
Lighten up, guys! Players and fans alike… it’s okay, I promise. You won the NBA Finals like 18 months ago. Deep breaths in 2025. Losing Bruce Brown and KCP in consecutive seasons sucks, though; I won’t fight you on that.
Golden State Warriors: Don’t Cry (or Freak Out) Because It’s Over
The “freak out” part of this resolution directly translates to “trade Jonathan Kuminga,” by the way. Don’t do that. He’s good. Sign him to a long-term deal next summer instead of panic-trading him for a veteran who will help this team lose in seven games in the first round instead of six.
The dynasty is over. Enjoy the occasional Steph outburst and plan for what comes next.
Houston Rockets: Make Sure Everyone Pitches In
Real teamwork is the only way this team will make any noise in the postseason — and it’s possible they do, because this team does play as a pretty cohesive unit. Without a top-tier scorer, everyone needs to chip in a little bit offensively for this team to reach its ceiling, which is pretty damn high because of how good the defense is every night.
Indiana Pacers: Be Intentional With Your Actions
A step back from Indiana was inevitable this season, but that doesn’t make it any easier for fans to live through. I’m warming to the idea of Indiana making another impact trade this year, but it needs to be with 2026, 2027 and 2028 in mind, not just a “let’s try to save this season” deal.
Haliburton and Siakam still “works,” but the rest of this roster needs… some adjusting; if Indiana thinks Ben Mathurin is its third building block (which is a fine thought) then testing the waters on Andrew Nembhard / Ben Sheppard / Jarace Walker could be worthwhile.
Los Angeles Clippers: Welcome Old Friends Back into Your Life
Kawhi Leonard is returning this week — I don’t want to overreact, but the Clips are an elite defensive team (No. 4 defensive rating) with a streaky offense (No. 22). Adding one of the league’s best offensive creators to a team like that… has the ingredients to be scary, especially in a wide-open West.
Los Angeles Lakers: Respect Your Elders
LeBron James is 40 years old and I want him to stay in the league as long as possible, so I’m selfishly asking JJ Redick to stop playing him 35 minutes per game. He’s 40, JJ! He doesn’t need to be 11th in minutes!
Alternatively, LA’s resolution should be to keep inching up toward “passable” on defense. For the season, JJ Redick’s group has been pretty bad getting stops but is slowly ticking upward as we approach the midway point. I don’t trust the offense enough to rely on it nightly, so at least an average defense in 2025 might be a need.
Memphis Grizzlies: Show Who You Really Are
Whether fair or not (probably not), this season will be viewed as an inflection for the Grizzlies; in its third full, healthy season, can this core advance past the second round? In 2025, will the Ja Morant / JJJ / Desmond Bane Grizzlies show everyone that they’re in Oklahoma City’s tier? My gut tells me yes. But my gut biome is not usually to be trusted. So who knows.
Miami Heat: Get Back Out There
Your long-term relationship with Jimmy Butler started off so fulfilling, but the lust has been gone for a while now. Sadly, it’s time to move on. Get back out there, Miami! Meet someone inappropriately young who makes your family uncomfortable and shows you TikTok dances. Introduce them to your friend Tyler, maybe they’ll get along.
Milwaukee Bucks: Prove Everyone Wrong
Minnesota Timberwolves: Make Your Co-Workers Feel Welcome
Two years ago, the Timberwolves team energy was lousy — Rudy Gobert literally punched his teammate at one point.
Last year, the energy shifted; it seemed great from the outside! This year’s Wolves appear to be settling in somewhere between the two. There won’t likely be punches thrown on the bench… but I don’t think there will be dinner parties thrown, either. Something’s off; no one looks like they’re having much fun out there, despite being two games out of the four seed in the West.
My entire last article on here was about the Wolves figuring things out, and I’m standing on that, but a big part of that might be regaining the collective fire from last year.
New Orleans Pelicans: Don’t Be Yourself
Everyone is always trying to be their authentic self, but I think the 5-29 Pelicans should try to be anyone else this year. Maybe it’ll trick the basketball gods into giving them a clean bill of health.
I’ve never particularly liked this franchise but I feel bad for them right now. This is brutal. I’m pretty sure I’m getting a call soon to be their backup 4.
New York Knicks: Be Wary of Burnout
Tom Thibodeau is doing better at not overworking his players this season — Mikal Bridges leads the league in minutes, but I think that’s because Bridges just loves to hoop — and if everyone is energized in the playoffs, this is probably an ECF team at least. Give ‘em a full day off every once in a while, Thibs.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Prepare For Your Close Up
The basketball world’s attention is coming. The expectations are “win the NBA Finals.” Is OKC ready for the moment in 2025?
Orlando Magic: Go Easy on Yourself
Jamahl Mosley might be a top-three coach in the NBA. This team’s best players keep getting hurt and they keep winning games. 20-15 without Paolo most of the year, Franz lately, and now Mo Wagner for the whole year (pain). If this thing falls into the mud, we need to keep situation in mind; two serious injuries to two stars who are as important to their team as anyone else will be tough to overcome no matter what.
Phoenix Suns: Give Up
Not even worth the effort anymore. You tried, but it didn’t work. Sometimes it goes like that.
Philadelphia 76ers: Have a Breakdown and Change Everything
I’m getting word that Sixers fans are already amid a breakdown, so we’re off to a good start.
Maybe “change everything” is harsh but no one’s having fun anymore so fuck it, let’s get weird. Trade Tyrese Maxey for Tyrese Haliburton or something, I don’t know.
Actually…
Portland Trail Blazers: Finally Break Off a Toxic Relationship
CHAUNCEY BILLUPS IS COMMITTING WAR CRIMES IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST EVERY NIGHT IT’S TIME TO MAKE THE CHANGE, JODI.
Sacramento Kings: Unionize
Okay, I know NBA players already have a union but the Kings should renegotiate and then stage a hostile takeover of Vivek Ranadivé, who continues to terrorize the good people of Sacramento. Firing Mike Brown was perhaps the most egregious ownership decision in the NBA since the last decision Vivek Ranadivé made, whatever that may have been.
San Antonio Spurs: Don’t Change Anything
Every day I look at the NBA standings to make sure I’m not making up that San Antonio is above .500 almost halfway through the season. I can’t believe it. This team should change absolutely nothing in 2025 because this level of success is an act of God — that’s the only explanation — and you’re not supposed to anger him.
Toronto Raptors: Don’t Ever Look At a Scoreboard
I understand how silly it sounds to say things are going well when a team is 8-26, but losing was always the objective this season and that losing is coming while Immanuel Quickley and Scottie Barnes have missed time; plus, Gradey Dick looks like a player, RJ Barrett is still solid, and Ochai Abaji is coming along a little bit.
This roster is three-ish years from competing for anything but inserting Cooper Flagg or Dylan Harper here would speed the process up more than you may think; it’s not as bleak in the Six as the record looks. Just don’t ever look at a scoreboard and 2025 will be promising!
Utah Jazz: Don’t Play the Blame Game
I fear that Utah will think about firing Will Hardy and I’m here to tell you that would be the dumbest possible solution. Don’t do it. This roster stinks. He’s a good coach. Danny… don’t do it…
Washington Wizards: Let Bilal Loose
“It’s Bilal Coulibaly time” -Me