NBA First Half Awards (That I Made Up)
They are real to me
Welcome to The Brokies (Midyear Edition) a new award show in which I hand out trophies to NBA teams and players and moments. We’re about halfway through the 23-24 campaign so let’s do some reflection (NOT self-reflection though. That shit sucks!)
Originally this piece was titled “first annual” Brokies but at some point the United States must crumble like every empire before it (fingers crossed!) and take us all down with it so I don’t want to guarantee anything ya know? We’ll play it by ear.
In the meantime though welcome to The Brokies! Do you like the name? It’s the dumbest one I could think of :)
The Shaquille O’Neal “I Wasn’t Familiar with Your Game” Award
NOMINEES
Nickeil Alexander-Walker. New Orleans Pelicans
Jonathan Kuminga. Golden State Warriors
Immanuel Quickley. Toronto Raptors
Aaron Nesmith. Indiana Pacers
And the winner is…
Immanuel Quickley!
What a win! Tonight’s first Brokie goes to new Toronto Raptors guard Immanuel Quickley for being much much better than I thought he was before the season.
Now I’ve always believed Quickley to be a fine player. A pretty good shooter. A career sixth man who will swing a few playoff series with his fiery scoring. An exciting guard who 14 year-olds will make mixtapes of in 2039 and say “IQ was different…”
But recently I realized how much I was undervaluing IQ’s all-around game. And it was a lot! Blame him not me!
Since being traded to Toronto IQ is averaging 18.9 points 5.0 assists and shooting 46.9% from 3PT (and playing over 30 minutes a game which has certainly helped his ascension.) He protects the ball incredibly well and his feel for the game and control of an offense are so much advanced than I ever gave him credit for. I have no idea what Toronto’s roster looks like next season but I’m expecting a huge IQ year regardless. Sorry for being so late to this party.
The Alonzo Mourning “Things Could Be Worse I Guess” Award
NOMINEES
Cade Cunningham for the role of “Best Player On a 4-36 Team”
Memphis Grizzlies for the role of “Who the Hell Are These Guys”
Steph Curry for the role of “I Have to Work with Draymond Green Everyday”
Charlotte Hornets… All-Inclusive
And the winner is…
The Memphis Grizzlies!
A great win for the Griz here. For the record the other nominees lost because I don’t think things can actually be worse for them.
The Grizzlies are 15-25 and their record will undoubtedly get much much uglier as the season progresses. Ja Morant is out for the season with a torn labrum. Desmond Bane and Marcus Smart are sidelined with an ankle and hand injury respectively.
Brandon Clarke and Steven Adams are both out for the season as well. Injuries have decimated this roster so badly that the team just signed Scotty Pippen Jr just to have a body on stand-by.
And yet… our main man V-Willy is lighting the league on fire:
And Grizzlies rookie GG Jackson is playing like the number one-rated high school recruit (which he was just two years ago) and not an inefficient shot chucker (which he was just one year ago.)
So two highly talented young players will get tons of developmental reps plus Memphis will get a high draft pick plus all of its star players will return next season (and likely for a long time after that)? Doesn’t sound like a wasted season to me!
The Jake Gyllenhaal “I Wish I Knew How to Quit You” Award
NOMINEES
Jalen Green. Houston Rockets
The Cleveland Cavaliers
Trae Young. Atlanta Hawks
And the winner is…
The Cleveland Cavaliers!
This was a tight tight tight race folks. I can’t actually quit any of the nominees and they’re all such deserving winners.
I think the reason I can’t quit this Cavs team is because it’s built like a championship team. The backcourt is a little undersized but both of its guards are so damn good that it doesn’t really matter. Cleveland gets dynamic scoring from Donovan Mitchell (28.1 PPG) legit facilitation from Darius Garland (8.6 and 7.8 assists per game the past two years) high-level defense from its two big men and versatility from its bench.
Cleveland plays Milwaukee in about five hours and if the Cavs win I’m going to start saying some really irresponsible things. I cannot quit believing in this team as a contender in the East.
The Asteroid City “I Still Don’t Understand the Play” Award
NOMINEES
Luka Doncic sideways one-handed game-winning three-pointer
Nikola Jokic “fuck it basket down there somewhere” buzzer-beater
Victor Wembanyama doing basically everything he does
And the winner is…
Victor Wembanyama!
This award goes to a play that I literally do not understand from a physical standpoint. Yes I’m aware that’s not what Wes Anderson meant.
Wemby has about four plays every week that could qualify for this award but the one that is singed in my head is his double block on (our Guy unfortunately) Jabari Smith Jr near the beginning of the season.
The first block is sensational then he’s standing about eight feet away from Smith Jr as he’s starting his layup and just sort of teleports to the hoop and blocks him again. Nothing about this human being makes sense to me.
The Charlie Kelly “I Just Wanna Tell You All Go Fuck Yourselves” Award
NOMINEES
Miles Bridges
James Dolan
Wow they both won!
Hey big head… the response to these dumb blogs has been wonderful so far. I’m eternally grateful for every one of you who takes time to read ‘em. Feel free to share TBP with your friends if you want! Or enemies! I don’t care to be honest! Talk soon.
What I’m listening to: I Hear You Calling by Bill Fay, 1971
From Sam Ackerman at Forever Wars:
As a Jew, all I can say to this is that a state proclaiming itself to be Jewish cannot place itself within field-goal range of committing genocide. Obviously, no state, nor any non-state actor, can permissibly commit genocide. But a state claiming to be Jewish sets upon itself particular moral obligations emerging from the Jewish people's experience of genocide. South Africa's filing is not what is offensive to the memory of the victims of the Holocaust. Israel's actions in Gaza are what is offensive to their memory. Never again. For anyone.
So funny— great play on words situations.